I knew the last post I said something like --I look forward more than before, I'm doing okay, I will keep growing, like everything will be okay.

I am okay. I think.

But there's time I sink into deep old sh*t I've thought I conquer it already. There's time I don't know where to go what to say or even how to breathe. I realise I have to go back to consult with Doctor T again. But still, I'm not student anymore. I have to pay for myself.

That's when everything hit me.

.

.

you're still fucked up jj

yay

you.

.

.

I started looking for jobs late than others. Because in my mind I don't know where to go. From everything that happened this year, it made me terrified. I don't have that confident anymore. My self esteem broke. I'm confused about what I really want. And with everything mixed up together, I'm freakin out. 

scale from 1-10, I give it 100

that's how terrified I am.

My dad and my sis keep telling me to go for it, just do it, whatever jobs you can find. I have no excuse but apply for every jobs I could. Big company small company, I apply it all without knowing what I really want. The big companies both my day and my sis work and hope for never have any responses back. But I got two "I want you" reply from the small companies. The first one I reject because it's too far and I didn't see the future there.

but the second one

they give me the opportunity to learn about being a producer

the opportunity that I've thought I always want

but then again

I'm terrified.

I'm confused.

I'm messed up.

in my head

I fear I might end up hurting myself again if I ever work in that path

the path I destroy myself

the path I never feel comfortable with after they left

the path I'm not sure I want it anymore

while I did my thesis film, I try to restore it tho.

What I really want with this path.

What I am with this path.

but I lost it

all the faith and beliefs

the same way I lose myself

and while I tried to restore it, I end up hurting myself even more.

that's why, I guess

that's why I'm freakin terrified in every possibly ways

and without that core in this industry and in myself

I don't know I can continue.

with everything I turn out to be now

I fear I will destroy myself and everyone close around me 

like when I did with them

and this time I only got my family and closed friend around

they will be the one who got hurt from what I am 

and that kills me

I just...

fucked up

and fear conquer me this time.

I made my decision

not only just with this job

but with this path

I don't know whether it's right or wrong. But for somehow I feel released. I don't want to go back there anymore. The place that I destroy everything every relationships even my own self. I won't regret it and try to move forward like I always do.

like every day that I'm still breathing right now.

so this is me for the past couple months.

still fucked up and still try to live.

remember jj

you made your decision

no excuses but keep going

don't look back but learn from the past

it's yours

and yours alone

you're fucked up?

fine, it's fucked up

but what important is what you're gonna do next

I know you're terrified

it's alright

it's alright jj

breathe

and carefully consider things

and live it

that is.

it's alright.

you're gonna be alright.

hope you guys out there have a nice day as well.