2018 = me trying to live
and the end of LIKE A FUCKED UP FACE
.
.
fucked up and officially got left behind
(these people weren't them tho)
They thought I was better left alone, they said they cannot stand themselves when they were near me. I understand because I can't even stand myself. In that time I was some kind of the worst human-being to be nearby. I didn't blame them. But all I want to know was am I still their friends? But time after time, they never text, never clear things and never explain.
What hurt me the most was they never try to get me back in the group. No one ever did. And they said to me after our thesis exhibition "you can't expect me or other to do thing, friends don't expect each other to do things." and I was like... okay. I was hurt. But okay... i understand.
I have to take my stand.
I still love them. I really do. I once said to one of them that they are friends I want to keep for life. I'm fucked up. I made them feel bad. I said I'm sorry. I tried to make things better. I did everything I could. But they didn't want to. The way they said it to me, the thing they said, every decisions they made were already shown how they feel toward me.
It's okay.
I got scars and this trust issue and everything.
It's okay.
They were gone since the first month of the year
But now
I finally let them go.
Singapore & Taipei trip
Meeting Khai was one of the best things ever happened this year. I miss our awkward dance on the rooftop of marina bay sand. I miss our ride around the city. I miss our late night conversation. And the most funniest thing is I miss our walk back to my hostel. It's raining, but warm.
Taipei was great. I went there for film festival. But I freaked out the whole trip because they were there too. So the best memory of Taipei for me was boba milk-tea, coffee and cocktail.
Broke because of all the concerts
But thank you. Your music save me.
The XX
Imagine Dragons
Wolf Alice
Dua Lipa
I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS OF MAKING FILM THESIS
WRITING SCRIPT, PRODUCING, DIRECTING, EDITING
It's my greatest life achievement (thank to all who help along the way. without you guys I couldn't made it through. And it's really nice getting to know lots of people through whole process. Thank you), not only because I learned a lot but because I made my family proud. It's all for them. My cousin and my step-mom cried. My dad got tears in his eyes but smile so widely and embrace me and told me "you did it, congrats and I love you"
So.. yay
even it's not the best short-film in the festival or the most talk about film but it's the best memory I have from my senior years.
Finally Graduated!
(sorry about the photo tho)
finally lol
my parent and my sister told me afterward that they're so scared I might not make it because it's been a rough year for me. After the ceremony I feel released. I don't have to see them or meet them any longer.
I took all of my courage and walked up to his mom, thanked her for taking care of me for the past two years. He didn't even look at me. And I tried not to look at him or any of them but then I noticed that he has a new girlfriend (who frankly look a lot like me)
and I'm like
"oh good for you"
I got to meet lots of my high school friends who has been there for me for the past two rough years as well. (Thank you if you reading this.)
NCT (especially jungwoo and doyoung)
I have known "Ten" for about 9 years before. The last thing I knew was he got sign with SM in 2013 or something then I lost track because in that time I got to prepare for university. I heard from my sister for 2 or 3 years ago about new boy brand "NCT" but I never interested in them.
(for information --
Me and my sister grew up with TVXQ and SJ and the latest to me was EXO in 2013. But like I said, I lost track because of study in university then I got depression during the sophomore years and after that I lost all my former interested in music, dancing and life.)
But this year
I want to know what made my sister like them. I opened "Boss" by NCT U and there they are. My eyes locked up with Jungwoo. And I keep looking for him without knowing why. I like when he dance. But what made me love him is he's always putting himself out there. He works hard. He's a little ray of sunshine in one of the hardest time in my life. He shines so bright that when I saw him on the stage, I want to feel good about life again. With his pure heart in this path, I want to support him.
and with doyoung
his attitude about life and his hard work are what I really admire of him. With his words sometimes and many times help me get through the messy thought in my head and in life. He always works so hard that made myself want to be more productive. yay that's his effect to me.
Jungwoo and Doyoung, knowing them, loving them make me want to like myself a little bit more everyday. And with NCT, when I was lonely or my head play that depression trick again, I got them by my side. Thank you. And I hope 2019 will be their great year as well.
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Without my dad, my sis, my step mom, my cousin ae, my best friends eve tong lookmai eye tent jump, I might not made it through this year. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys so much.
And with help from Ae, AumAim, P'dome, Uncle Pu, Mhuijin, P'Ken, my kangjor crew, I made it through senior year. Thank you.
ME MYSLEF AND I
I fight with myself, talk to myself, got pieces by pieces of myself back. I knew the darkness will always stay there inside of me, patiently waiting and popping up once in awhile. I understand it more than before. It taught me a lot tho. Even I lost them because of it. But I won't blame it on myself for having it again. Not because I like having depression but because I understand and accepting it. I am now so far from the starting point. I changed and grew up though this year. But I can't make it without my family and eve, my closest friend who stay with me through the best and the worst. Thank you and I love you.
One my to-do list in 2019 is taking care of myself more. Because I want to love me more. I want to be strong and having fun with life again.
So yay... that's me at the end of the year.
It's me at the beginning of adult life.
oh
and one more thing
I got a job!
After been unemployed and confused about which way to go for awhile, I am now so excited about this new job and where it gonna take me to. So let's see, right JJ?
Happy New Years to you all
hope 2019 will be new chapter to begin and another great year to come.
ps. I will try to write more.
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