one of the method I thought it would help me heal when it comes to situation I can't escape, it is to write it down, and this particularly place is one of the place I feel comfortable with.

I feel so much better this past few weeks

but I know deep down it's always there.

I told people who asking me 

"how are you doing? I haven't talked to you for aged. How are things?"

I answered,

"I'm doing fine, feeling so much better and starting to look forward and focusing on my work now"

and I did.

but what caught me off guard is when I realise it never really left.

it's always been there inside of me.

no matter I got better or got worse, these things, these scars, these sickness

and I feel ashamed that I fail into same old traps again.

Because I fear that if I fail in front of people

they will left me behind with those disappointed look in their eyes.

Like when those people did to me.

So I got frustrated with myself for feeling bad again.

I asked myself "Why didn't you get better? Why you have to be like this again?"

I look at those people, they were smiling and talking and seem to be happy.

I still feel kinda itchy inside. I still feel like I could be there. I could be sitting next to them there because it was my place before. And I feel like all the works there ... it could be me. I could be the one who help them through. I could get it all.

But 

I'm already out of the picture for far too long.

not only with relationship

but with work too

and with that mix with those doubting questions about myself

I've drowned myself again.

yesterday

I talked to doctor.Ta about everything that have happened inside my thought.

and he told me this story

Story about this woman who just ended 20-30 years relationship with her husband.

She's frustrated with herself that she can't stop feeling bad about it because it's been one month and she still fell. She's mad about how she can't go to work because she's sad. She's mad about everything that she felt. She's mad about herself that she can't seems to move on.

when doctor.ta told me this story, I cried.

He said 

"how much you invest with such significant relationships like friendship, partners or family, it will cost you that much when you have to end it. If you have to end 20-30 years relationship, it definitely will take longer than 1 month to heal, it may take 20 years or so but definitely not 1 month. So don't put yourself too hard to feel better or to get better. Pressure yourself is good thing but doing it too hard will help you nothing. What you have been through is not easy to overcome because this relationships were really important parts to you. But I want you to know that you have walked so far from the beginning. It's okay to still feel sad inside when you heard those story or those people got involved or anything. But you must know how to deal with it. And I'm so proud how far you got. Don't forget to tell yourself that."

I cried

and smiled.

Because all of his words remind me of how myself deal with those break-up stuff in the beginning, I was trying so hard to get better so I finally will get better, so everybody around me won't feel awkward and continue with our works. I was pushing myself way too hard to feel better but inside I feel too much I feel too sad and I should let it out in times to time but I didn't let myself and I didn't let myself realise what am I really going to lose.

and I broke down.

and people left.

it took me so long

to learn that it wasn't only my fault that people left me behind.

it took me so long to finally receive all the broken pieces of myself back.

it still left this huge glue scars which I carefully tried to stick it back.

but I know I will be okay eventually.

 

there will be the day 

that I finally stand up and walk forward.

there will be the day

that I will meet someone and finally be able to fall in love again.

you're far from that point jj.

please don't forget that.

 

to write it down

to feel it again

to not forget

and to move forward.

jj

don't forget that

all the little things that you love

that make you feel alive

if you feel bad

reach out for Timothee Chalamet, Tye Sheridan, Alex Lawthers and your beloved one.

if you feel bad

reach out, breathe

and slowly walking

okay?