"Am I crazy saying 'okay' to meet a guy from tinder?"

"Am I crazy?"

"I am always crazy."

"so why not?"

This is what the voices in my head keep saying about the idea of meeting a guy from Tinder. I know. It didn't sound like something a typical boring and messy girl who just been through a rough relationship would do. But in the same time, it strangely sounds like something I should do. 

So JJ,

here it goes 

24 January 2018

After landing and a way too long hot morning plus afternoon of my third time in Singapore, I've discovered that I was the unluckiest person ever. I can't buy a new Sim card. I can't use GPS to go find an one Michelin Star restaurant. The chicken rice in food centre didn't taste good like before. I went to Vivocity to cancel old simcards and hoping to buy a new one just to found that I can't buy it today.

tried to make it back to the hostel

but never made it 

because I stuck

no sign

no warning

just falling hard 

like people up there doesn't want me to go anywhere.

I gave up my plan to go to marina barrage, decided to sit at Starbucks fighting with my thought "should I buy an umbrella?" "Nah If I buy it, It gonna be like I'm lose to the weather" "But what if it's still raining tomorrow?" "S* what should I do". 

With the 5% of luck I've left, Starbucks is the only place around that has free wifi. I texted my family and my best-friend Eve where am I and little bit complaining about the weather.

And I texted him.

His name is Kai.

We've been talking about a week before I came and he always say if I want, we can meet. He will show me around both the city and the food. When I first talked to him, I didn't expect anything, I didn't expect that we will be a great catch in a conversation. Because I never have experienced a good match from tinder before. (They're always naughty boys, asking for nude and stuffs and I hate it!)

But with Kai

It's different.

Maybe just maybe

It is because we're both into Film. He's a cinematographer. I'm studying film and having this desperated dream about becoming a producer. 

But that's not the whole part.

He's sweet and understandable. Never talk weird or dirty. He even listens to my boring story about what happened to me last year. After all he seems like a nice guys.

And with everything together

I fight with those voices

here goes nothing.

the unexplainable feeling started to grow

Excited.

Scared.

Excited.

Scared.

I'm sorry. I fight with myself a lot. This is not a normal thing for me. Not counting the part that I broke up with him who I thought we're planing life ahead of us together, but counting the part that tinder seems like a place for stuff underneath the clothes. 

Anyway, 

8PM 

the rain slowly disappeared from the sky, 

He said he already left the office. He rode his bike and if it's not raining too hard, he want me to ride with him. I changed from wearing long black dress to oversized dark shirt and short. 

20 minute after 8PM, 

He's behind the door in front of me. We said hello and hugged. 

We're just one step outside the hostel, the rain suddenly came back. 

No bike riding, He took me by using uber to Newton food centre, there I had my first stingray. We talked about what film students in Singapore and Bangkok have in common, talked about family, a local place to go next time or tomorrow, and laughed a lot. The rain begun to disappear but guess what's happened after me and Kai finished our dinner and went for a chill bar.

and it's raining only when I didn't have a roof to cover my head. 

Thank you so much the people up there. I bought a freaking umbrella. 

No matter how many topic we talked and got to know each other more, there's still an awkward moment silence between us which I think is totally normal. Because in that moment, you just knew we're both trying to think what to talk next. And the distance was getting more closer.

"I want to show you something" 

Kai said after we finish our drink.

We walked back to his bike and he took me to marina barrage. The view is breath-taking. But the important part is not the view. The important part is not the story he told me. The important part is what I realise when I look up to those spectacular business buildings while sitting behind Kai on his motorbike.

 

I feel free.

I'm not scared anymore.

And in the smallest corner in my heart

I know now that I can start to love someone again.

Someone that is not the one who has left this huge scars

Not the one who I still love and I'm sure I will always do.

The love I have for him, I don't want anything in return.

I just know I still do. 

But with everything that have happened

I thought I can't love anyone else

but this time

I know now

it's someone

someone out there.

I come to Singapore with the reason to seek for courage and the answers inside of me. I come to gain what its lost. Now I've gotten my belief and faith in love back. I don't know if Kai will be that one or not, I don't want to expect anything. I want to let it be the way it should be. 

But with Kai on my first day in this trip, it's sure make me realise that sometime (or most of the time), happiness is real when shared.