it has always reminded me that line from lana del rey's song, ultraviolence, he hit me and it felt like a kiss, like it just popped into my head when i've tried to find the best explanation for describing how did i exactly feel at the time i was sexually harassed at the age of 17 to anyone who has asked me about it whether the objective they expected from the answers was from good intention and their concern about my well-being, or just curious, but with a little reversed.

           he kissed me and it felt like a hit.

           and when i said that. you could totally believe that i truthfully, honestly, genuinely mean it. swear to god. it was a real hit violently which was mentally disgusted and painful. it ain't memorable at all, but i could remember every detail obnoxiously and gave me goosebumps every time i thought about it. like a big giant ink stain blemish on a white t-shirt that could never been obliterated even i tried so hard to get rid of. it did severely affect me mentally traumatic and initiated me obsessive compulsive— i think and do thing repeatedly especially in cleaning body apparently with how i brushed my teeth that probably much more than 4 times but never less than thrice per each shower, concurrently with paranoid of being filthy in the spots that were touched.

           certainly, i was terrified and frightened asf. i still remember the feeling like numbness that crept toward all around my face and settled in my brain slowly, exactly the same way when being slapped real hard so clearly as if it was yesterday, even my whole body went numb. like my apperception was in the border between consciousness and unconsciousness. i couldn't even realize what was going on at the time. not even realized it was my best friend's brother who i have relied on. i relied on him. i completely was. and that made me comprehend i shouldn't be scared, but furious, mad, disappointed, or whatever negative emotion that one human could have got, yet it must not have been afraid. i haven't been the one who should feel guilty for the unconscious behavior of homosapien of the male gender which hasn't even known the great biological evolution has developed human brains industriously so that they could make decisions based on thoughtful thought, not intuition, nor the driving force of emotions.

           or maybe *if* he actually did it on purpose after his careful consideration, not his stupid barbarous instinct as i accused earlier, which means i had ability to examine it the most inconsiderate and dumbest deliberate thought ever. so now then we could totally agree to admit that what he has done was ostensibly premeditated criminality and that went even worse by the reason that being a part of human race which was given birth by the same creature species generator did not guarantee that he was made for having common sense as he should. as everyone else.

           don't you find it kinda hilarious that nearly all of the woman have on at least one time been subjected to the physical sexual harassment in public. not including non-physical harassment like verbal conduct, visual conduct, or written conduct, such as catcalling, nude calendars, email attachments, etc. that i venture to say that all of us, women, used to, or in the worst case, some have been confronted with them for a long long time, and it makes me feel neglected by the thought that this word wasn't made for women. it's so unjust only us being insecure from the fear of being unsafe which is caused by biological sex, isn't it?

           as i've had a conversation with men i've known, some of them classify women into 2 big categories. the first one, women they do love and care about, such as their moms, their sisters, their beloved friends, or their family members, etc. and then, another case, the other remaining women who i didn't mentioned above, comme girls they met on the bus, or the random woman they saw on the street, which totally are female the same way as the first category they divided. and the major concern that has been wondering me really bad was *some of* men were displeased when their first classification was threatened or assaulted by other men, but slash, on the other hand, they justified themself per se sexually harassing the second division ironically. and a few of them not even treated their 1st that well. as though, in their opinion, women were just women, the walking sex object they could do anything they wanted to with. what an unbelievable information.

           and it's not just that. sadly, not only hard time that was given by those men we need to confront with but also persistent victim blaming which frequently occurs in society, especially some southeast asian country's community, we need to handle inevitable. how come some people have a perception that victims are in any way responsible for the action of offenders and seek the reasons for defend abuser's aforesaid wrongful act which is terribly disgusting, and they totally believe that tho. don't you find it kinda nonsense telling sufferers they are held partially at fault for the harm that befell them even they have nothing to do with those torturer's indecent treatment. so legit, ain't it?

           another thing is, this difficulty usually inevitable involve with slut shaming that definitely verbally traumatized the victims. yes. the victims again. how impressive that sociologist has always made me wonder why all this shits are thrown up on the people who were harmed, not include how they were considered promiscuous, criticized how they dressed, or even asked if they tried to fight back, which is obviously bullshit. has anyone ever asked these kind of foolish questions to the rapists? as if. no one has ever done. like we all just have an agreement to put spotlight on preys and normalize treating them as public figure who are picked apart if there's something wrong about anything they do, or anything they say, if some of which are perceived to violate expectations of behavior of judger's— you know *standard of pure victim* from their stereotyped notions of acceptable behavior that the traumatized sufferers should have although they have never put themselves in victims's shoes nor even fucking realized how much torture they inflicted and pressured on the preys, rather than acknowledging that anyone can be capable of assault, and, yes, i'm sayin it again, there's nothing to do with how victims dressed no matter how revealing the clothing they put on was. i insist that dressing doesn't have any certain way make anyone responsible for being assaulted, and no one can change my mind.

           not to mention the other million wicked perceivers apart from stuff i mentioned that could be super insanely mean, like mocking, insulting, and making fun of innocent's aspect of physical appearance, as we've known in the name of body shaming, either in the aim of joking around or virtually getting the victim cornered with their suspecting. for example, when my classmate, who was experienced subjected by computer professor in classroom, told me, and her advisory teacher that she was harassed, i felt really sorry for her, meanwhile, the advisory teacher who suppose to be by her side asked how come unattractive girl like her get molested and said that she has a doubt what if that jerk was blind. her ungenerous words made me sick, and disappointed, and little curious how much does it hurt to be despised appearance while already has been traumatic because of 'em at the same time. well. let's look at the bright side, maybe she spilled those words on purpose just joking around and intend to lessen my friend's discomfort, but it would only exacerbate situation even more tension. so i summed up that sometimes adult's sense of humor was too hard to reach for the sake of soothing myself instead of admitting the feeling of despair for whatever the heck that came out of that disrespectful mouth.

           according to my previous point, i've just known all the things i mentioned earlier are called by interesting word, rape culture, recently, which i read it for the first time from the essay collection by rebecca solnit, men explain things to me, and i inexplicably felt like i was connected to it. so i've worked on research finding definition of culture environment that not just about to blame the victim for inviting rape, or normalize jokes about sexual assault, but also encourages gender violence as well, and found out it only existed in a society organized on patriarchal cultural norms which was construed, base on information we've acknowledge, that it happened all around the world significantly. oh. yeah. patriarchy. such a great word. huh? the word that could make me feel inferior just every time i was aware of its existence and the fact that it was the cause of everything that has oppressed us, well, actually not only women, but so did unsafe and super unhealthy for men by ruled the belief that was associated with traditional stereotypes of men and made 'em believe that was role model they must follow to prove themselves they were the real men. so sick right? only unfortunately, most of the men who feel it doesn't seem right misunderstand and take it the wrong way assume us, women, expect them to be like idealized masculine roles that gender norms standardized, which is the cause of pressure they get from emotional repression to pretend to act so strong all the time. to be honest, i'm sorry they're so pathetic that they don't even realize what have they struggled with actually. see how harmful of patriarchal society in the term of toxic masculinity apparently did to us, overall?

           so, before this journal gonna be too lengthened and annoying lengthy, i have come to the briefly summarize that the different type of sexual harassment obviously not just about behavioral inhibition in individuals, but it's the part of structural problems that difficult to solve which has been the leading cause everyone barely aware. and i really don't want to admit i have avoided the truth that i was in an echo chamber which only encounter similarly opinions were amplified and reinforced for a long long time so that i actually believed everyone had awareness of self, yet sadly they hadn't, and everything was all in my head. so i hope someday the number of people that are knowledgeable and seriously concerned about this issue will be increase as much as reduction in sexual assault crimes continuously.