“You’ll get prettier when you grow up” was said by my mom throughout my childhood, the period when I didn’t realize that beauty standard is socially constructed and there is no such thing as one true beauty. Those words made me insecure about my appearance and wondered how or when would I be pretty enough in my mom’s eyes.

During elementary and middle school, students had to line up in the open ground to pray and pay respect to the national flag. It was also mandatory to take swimming classes and I didn’t have the discipline to apply sunscreen each morning. Consequently, my skin was on the tanner side and my mom thought that it should be fixed.

I still remember white cream with powdery scent in the lilac tub. It was a facial whitener my mom bought for me. After 2-3 months, people around me pointed out that my face looked brighter. There was no sign of immediate allergy, but over time, I noticed that my skin was weaker and more acne-prone.

From my mom’s point of view, living up to beauty standards will help me lead an easier life (Of course, back then I had no awareness that it is called beauty privilege.) in terms of works and romantic relationships. She always said that I should take care of my looks, once I graduate from university and looking pretty, nice men will come to me naturally and I won’t have to run after love. Hearing those often, the logic of my younger self told me that only beauty leads to having a loving boyfriend.

I knew that I was not, and still am not, what mainstream society labels “pretty”. It made me cross out some of my dream jobs. I couldn’t even say out loud that I was interested in being a singer or an actress because those are appearance-oriented careers. I thought that I won’t make it anyway or I would have to be a rare genius so that people might look past what they see.

When I came across stories of people who aren’t align with beauty standards, yet having supportive parents or community encouraging them that they are beautiful just the way they are which help them gain confidence or self-love, I got jealous sometimes.

Time has helped me move through life and expand my perceptions via people and the alternative media. I learned that there’re many places where people don’t even care about how you look. I was touched by kind words from my friend who genuinely found me pretty. (In my head I was like “really?”, well, the low self-esteem in me jumped out.) In addition, I basically getting busier as I grew up. At one point while working on my senior project, I went out meeting people with no makeup on and no concerns whatsoever.

If I could turn back time, I would love to hold my younger self tightly and reminding her that she was, without a doubt, pretty enough. I would also let her know that those standards are not the absolute truth and no one should be caged by them. I would tell her that having boyfriends or not is her choice, not a result of how she looks. I would tell her to stress less, smile more often and I would push her to try whatever the hell she wanted, no need to fear outsider judgements or keep up with the impossible norms.

I am in a much better place now. The trauma has not completely gone away but it doesn’t really bother me anymore. It has become just another part of my life that teaches me self-love and I’m determined to continue spreading this idea to those who needs it, with hope that no one has to go through this pain or at least not fighting with it all by themselves.

*PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING BEFORE LEAVING THE SITE*
I choose to share this piece of writhing because I hope it might be helpful for those who go through same unfortunate events as mentioned above. My mom and I has already worked this out so please spare her harsh criticism. Conservative Thai society can surely fuck up your minds and make you believe in self-depriving stuffs, so I completely understand where she came from and thank you in advance for your kind understanding. <3