"What do you think about me?"
"How do you think about me?"
"What do you like about me?"
"What do you see in me?"
"What do you---" I think you got an idea of what kind of questions I'm talking about, right?

I always keep asking these questions from time to time to certain people that I count them as 'friends' I don't know if they count me as theirs, but that's a problem for another time.
(Hint: they probably won't but I'm fine with it so...) 

The real question is "why do I have to ask it so often? so often that I believe it's borderline annoying to certain people."

I kinda have a concept of what could be the answer to the question.
I think I need a reassurance from other people, anyone really. 

why???

because I can't convince myself that anymore. 
I really don't believe it when people give me nice compliments.
I mean I didn't say they lied or something like that. NO!
The problem is I don't believe it. I don't see what they see.

You're probably wanting to ask, "then when they tell you what they see in you, why don't you believe them?"

The answer is: I would if I could.

I am that kind of girl who doesn't know how to react to compliments I get even if they're really nice and make me flush, and give me all those nice, warm feeling in my stomach. In the end, I just don't see it. I try, I really do try to believe. I just can't. 

People always tell me that 'I'm cool.'
what's 'cool' really? like what does it means? 
I don't know what it is so I still don't know what I am 

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Every day when I wake up in the morning and see my reflection in a spotted mirror in the bathroom. 

I hate what I see. 

I hate my teeth. They're large, clash into each other and they're just pure nightmare. 

I fucking hate my gum. It keeps popping up when I smile too wide and make my mouth noticeable and I hate it. It's always the first thing I notice in the picture.
one of my friends told me once that she never notice it right away and don't see why I keep point it out to everyone to see it. She said I pay too much attention to it and make me a bit obsessed with it. I guess she's partly right ...
Still..I always try to smile with my lips shut tight to avoid this event to happen and ruin the photo especially when it's a group photo and I can't find a decent picture of myself to upload on Instagram or wherever just because my smile ruined it while everyone else looking absolutely gorgeous. 

I hate my wide, big nose despite how many time you told me you like it because it reminds you of a baby's. Ugh
and my glasses doing a pretty great job to make it stand out even more. 

Yes, grandma I see spotted and acnes on my face too and I don't want them to be there (never plan to either) but not like the fact that you keep telling me every time you see my face gonna helps make them go away and I have a clear, nice, soft skin like I had when I was a floppy baby again.

I hate my wobbly tummy that caused by sweets and zero exercise, but im just gonna keep complaining and do nothing about it and wish that I woke up one day and it's gone. 

I dislike the stretch marks on my bums and thighs even if you said you don't mind and would like to trace them down one by one when we cuddle (which will never happen either)

I could do this for days, but it would bore the fuck out of you before I get through half of them so I will stop here. 

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I never understand when people said you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I mean is there any how to or books to read to help me learn how to do that?
what do you mean by love yourself? I don't get it and I think I still can love people even though I can't do the same to myself. 


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To people that break me into pieces and never intend to stay to put me back in whole again,

I know you probably have no idea what you've done to me. I may seem like a tough case on the outside, but I did that because I try to cover up how fucked up I am on the inside. 
I don't want people to see that side of me because I know they will turn it against me and I don't know how to defense myself from there. 
I am, in fact, a cracked porcelain bowl that no glue can stick me back together and function again. 
It's a bit childish really to blame it all on all the bullies that hurt me physically, verbally, or mentally. ( or all at once, fucking hell! I thought I was the evil one)


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To people who I keep around to ask those stupid questions over and over ( you know who you are ;) )
I don't know what to say how much I appreciate your kind words.
I know I'm being a prick from time to time and being a d-bag the rest of the time haha
I may act like I don't believe what you say or really not convince on what you said.

I'm struggling and I know it's not easy to be back to 'okay' again, but I'll try. 
so please be gentle, be patient with me when I keep asking you these questions.
Keep insist me on them if you really think it's true. 
I am sorry for putting you in a lot of trouble and works you didn't ask for, but everything you said means a lot to me. 

Thank you so much

I hope you stick around.
I will try to be a good quality trash...